I might end up regretting writing my thoughts on this but I need to get them out.
A few things to clear up first.
#1: I COMPLETELY understand where they're coming from.
#2: I'm not even close to being mad/upset/angry or anything like that.
#3: I am not intending to cause anything negative by this.
So I digress...
Our church leaders have decided that my bf can no longer be a youth leader because we live together. If we are not married or at least engaged by March, he can't be part of Aviator Students anymore.
I totally get the why's of it. It's not a good example for the middle/high school kids. It's not living what is preached. All of it I understand.
What is troubling to me is the way they all keep saying we should live apart until we marry, like that's an easy thing to do. If it was, we would already. We lived together before we became part of this church so it wasn't something that happened after we learned we shouldn't. But we have FOUR kids we're raising in our home. Yes, we want to be a good example for them, but he just hasn't proposed. & as much as I want him to, I also don't want him to be forced into doing it. I feel that will only hurt us. I'm willing to wait for him.
But not only is the reality a difficult one with just having kids in it but his son is a tricky one. Nobody has custody. When all that happens, it will work against Carmichael for us to be apart. Also, we don't want TreaVon to be bounced around if he moves out. But if he stays here we run the risk of him telling his mom that his dad doesn't live here anymore & we'll be screwed by that. Which I understand. If it happened with my kid like that I'd be LIVID that my child now lived with her dad's gf & kids, but not him, in a diff state, while trynig to get custody. Better believe that would come up in court. & even though it's a good reason, who knows how the judge will feel about that? Could really go either way.
I'm scared that not only will this push Carmichael further away from proposing but it will end up pushing him away from God since he won't have an active role in the church anymore. I worry about the negative consequences this could lead to for our future.
Once again. I KNOW why they are doing this. I agree it's something that needs to be done so that our youth are given the right messages. It just worries me that it's going to have the opposite results as they are intending.
That being said, I REALLY want to marry this man. I have no doubt that he is my soul mate. He is my best friend, he is the only man for me & I even hope in 5 yrs that we get to have another baby together. I love him with everything I have & I don't plan on ever giving up on our relationship. It has been a rollercoaster 1 yr & 7 months. We have fought tooth & nail to get to where we are. & we are happy where we are now.
Carmichael is the only man I have shown 100% of me. The good, the bad, the ugly & the ugly that you don't show anybody....he's seen. He knows my deep, dark secrets & still loves me. He knows my flaws & accepts them. He is a hands on dad that has NEVER disrespected me by saying no when I ask for help with a kid. He probably changes more diapers than I do! Lol. He is the one that plays board games, takes them to the park & sits outside when they ride bikes. He sends me encouraging texts before a test & high-fives me when I am dorkily excited about finally getting an algebra formula.
He doesn't have wandering eyes & I don't have to worry about infidelity. I love his giant hands, his tiny ears & his ugly feet. I love his loyalty to his family & that he's close to his mama. I love that he feels deeply. I love that he is aggressive enough to be able to physically protect our family if need be. I love his passion for music & I'm amazed by his talent. I love that he wants more out of life, but he's learned how to be happy with what he has until the day comes when he can use his talents to get more.
I love & accept all of him infinitely.
So, while part of me hopes that this prompts him to propose...the other part doesn't. Because I want him to propose because he finally figured out he can't be without me, not because he was pressured to with negative consequences if he didn't. I want it to be a willful, joyful thing, not a stressed, forced thing.
I know God knows what He's doing in this, I just pray I have the patience & strength to trust it all!!
When did this happen?? Why didn't you tell me at lunch? Is this why you deleted your FB?? I'm so sorry sister!!
ReplyDeleteI deleted my fb cause I really have no use for it anymore. I don't really use it to keep in touch & ppl rarely comment on my stuff so it's kinda pointless ya know?? & I texted you the rest.
ReplyDeleteIf Carmichael were to move out, why couldn't Traevon live with him? That would alleviate the court issue, and could make him look better - able to care for him on his own, etc. Also, who's to say that he has to be the one to propose? Why don't you ask him? We live in a modern day world, Misty! Do you discuss marriage? Has he said why he hasn't yet?
ReplyDelete#1 it is financially impossible for him to support 2 households. It's pretty impossible for me to be able to get a job at this point to contribute beyond my financial aide. #2 we don't want to pull him out of the family home. He has already been moved to another state away from his mom & the only home he has known into an unfamiliar place with ppl he didn't really know. I don't think it would be good for him to be moved out & then moved back in a few months later. If it would even be a few months. If Carmichael got his own place he would have to sign a lease so it would be way longer than we want. He does plan on proposing. Just hasn't happened yet. I proposed to my ex husband & he knows I want to marry him so I want proposed to. I want to begin this marriage diff than the last failed one. Plus if he's not ready I don't want him to say yes just to appease me. When he's ready, he will. At this point it's clearly just a mental hurdle, probably having to do with only being 22. He'll get there, I'll wait. But until then I don't need outside ppl pressuring him. It would be diff if they hadn't asked him to be in this leadership position knowing the situation. Asked him to do multiple things that put him in front of our congregation. & then when those were over THEN they decided it wasn't ok anymore. We want to marry. But forcing him to do it without working out whatever it is that makes him hold back isn't the answer.
ReplyDeleteI hear everything you are saying about T...sorry there is no easy solution there...
ReplyDeleteDoesn't seem right of the church to do that - ask him to be a leader knowing his home situation, and then make an issue out of it after the fact. Perhaps I would question my association with them after this - doesn't seem like an organization that has everyone's best interests at heart in this situation.
The Lord will work it out, but that doesn't make it any easier to wait on!
I think the main issue is the execution of everything. There are hurt feelings where it could have been avoided considering we both understand and agree with the reasoning. It's just the way everything was carried out that has made a mess. I know it'll all come together how it's supposed to but you're right...doesn't make me any more patient. Lol. I think a talk with the ppl involved & honestly about the situation is appropriate. Clear the air ya know?
ReplyDelete