Touchy Subject....

I might end up regretting writing my thoughts on this but I need to get them out.

A few things to clear up first.
#1:  I COMPLETELY understand where they're coming from.
#2:  I'm not even close to being mad/upset/angry or anything like that.
#3:  I am not intending to cause anything negative by this.

So I digress...

Our church leaders have decided that my bf can no longer be a youth leader because we live together.  If we are not married or at least engaged by March, he can't be part of Aviator Students anymore.

I totally get the why's of it.  It's not a good example for the middle/high school kids.  It's not living what is preached.  All of it I understand.

What is troubling to me is the way they all keep saying we should live apart until we marry, like that's an easy thing to do.  If it was, we would already.  We lived together before we became part of this church so it wasn't something that happened after we learned we shouldn't.  But we have FOUR kids we're raising in our home.  Yes, we want to be a good example for them, but he just hasn't proposed.  & as much as I want him to, I also don't want him to be forced into doing it.  I feel that will only hurt us.  I'm willing to wait for him.

But not only is the reality a difficult one with just having kids in it but his son is a tricky one.  Nobody has custody.  When all that happens, it will work against Carmichael for us to be apart.  Also, we don't want TreaVon to be bounced around if he moves out.  But if he stays here we run the risk of him telling his mom that his dad doesn't live here anymore & we'll be screwed by that.  Which I understand.  If it happened with my kid like that I'd be LIVID that my child now lived with her dad's gf & kids, but not him, in a diff state, while trynig to get custody.  Better believe that would come up in court.  & even though it's a good reason, who knows how the judge will feel about that?  Could really go either way.

I'm scared that not only will this push Carmichael further away from proposing but it will end up pushing him away from God since he won't have an active role in the church anymore.  I worry about the negative consequences this could lead to for our future.

Once again.  I KNOW why they are doing this.  I agree it's something that needs to be done so that our youth are given the right messages.  It just worries me that it's going to have the opposite results as they are intending.

That being said, I REALLY want to marry this man.  I have no doubt that he is my soul mate.  He is my best friend, he is the only man for me & I even hope in 5 yrs that we get to have another baby together.  I love him with everything I have & I don't plan on ever giving up on our relationship.  It has been a rollercoaster 1 yr & 7 months.  We have fought tooth & nail to get to where we are.  & we are happy where we are now.

Carmichael is the only man I have shown 100% of me.  The good, the bad, the ugly & the ugly that you don't show anybody....he's seen.  He knows my deep, dark secrets & still loves me.  He knows my flaws & accepts them.  He is a hands on dad that has NEVER disrespected me by saying no when I ask for help with a kid.  He probably changes more diapers than I do!  Lol.  He is the one that plays board games, takes them to the park & sits outside when they ride bikes.  He sends me encouraging texts before a test & high-fives me when I am dorkily excited about finally getting an algebra formula.

He doesn't have wandering eyes & I don't have to worry about infidelity.  I love his giant hands, his tiny ears & his ugly feet.  I love his loyalty to his family & that he's close to his mama.  I love that he feels deeply.  I love that he is aggressive enough to be able to physically protect our family if need be.  I love his passion for music & I'm amazed by his talent.  I love that he wants more out of life, but he's learned how to be happy with what he has until the day comes when he can use his talents to get more.

I love & accept all of him infinitely.

So, while part of me hopes that this prompts him to propose...the other part doesn't.  Because I want him to propose because he finally figured out he can't be without me, not because he was pressured to with negative consequences if he didn't.  I want it to be a willful, joyful thing, not a stressed, forced thing.

I know God knows what He's doing in this, I just pray I have the patience & strength to trust it all!!

Y.O.L.O.

Y.O.L.O.

[[You Only Live Once]]

I really used to think this was a stupid acronym.  

That only ppl looking for a reason to act dumb would use it.

& then I realized something.

I don't live that way.

I have a history of not playing it safe.

Jumping feet first without worry of consequences.

Of making bad choices.

But that's not me anymore.

I'm not perfect, but I am cautious.

Always striving to do the right thing.

To not repeat my past mistakes.

To be better.

& so I became somebody I didn't recognize.

Literally playing it so safe that I wasn't doing anything.

& I was judging everybody.

Including my bf.

& it was becoming a very negative thing.

So now I'm taking risks.  

But small ones that won't harm anybody.

Like my pink hair.

Some may question it, or judge me for it.

But I know it doesn't change WHO I am.

But the pink hair & the bright red before it has changed something.

My self-confidence.

I don't feel like this ugly wallflower anymore.

& that goes along with more effort put into me.

What a feeling it is to not hate myself.

To take pride in my appearance.

To know that I stand out & not because I'm fat & ugly.

But because I'm a little different.  & I'm beautiful :)

I don't care what people think.

My hair color is fake.

My nails are fake.

& when I have in contacts, my eye color is fake.

But that's only the outside.

On the inside I'm great.

Great mom.

Great girlfriend.

Great person in general.

& anybody who thinks otherwise just doesn't know me.

& there's nothing I can or want to do about that.

The people that matter know.

The people that are decent will take the time to see.

& the rest probably don't really matter in my life.

I'm happy with me.

With my family.

My relationship.

My spirituality.

My ideas.

My beliefs.

My personal little world!!!

& it's really only getting better.

(Y)ou (O)nly (L)ive (O)nce...

That's the motto!!

;)