How I Feel.

I have failed at life.

As a mom.
As a girlfriend.
As a wife.
As a student.

As everything.

I freaking suck & I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT!!!

How did everything go so wrong?!?!

My Dirty Secret...

I am going to confess something to you today.  At first you might be tempted to try to say, "No you're not!!" Or you might think I need my spirits lifted or that it's just a bad day.  But it's not.

I....am a terrible mother.

I have failed Elize the most & in so many ways.  & I continue to do so on a daily basis.  She is falling apart & it's because of me.  My life as a single mom has made me rely on her in so many ways that how could I expect her not to crack under the pressure when I am myself?

I am lazy, selfish & haven't put her first.  I like to tell myself I am & that there is no way for me to change it, but there HAS to be.  I just haven't put in the work necessary.  I suck.  & because of me, she kinda sucks sometimes too.

I am here to tell you that she is SO important to me.  Nothing breaks my heart more than to see her struggling with her identity.  But how much harder is it to find that when you play mom 5 nights a week because the real mom has to work?  & you still shoulder a lot when the real mom is home because she's so preoccupied & stressed out with everything else that's going on?

What a failure I have been & I didn't even notice it until last night I wondered what I was going to do when Elize had basketball games & practices & I had nobody to watch Kingston & Ashyra.  WHY is this my life? This is not something a 14 year old should have on her shoulders.

So from now on, I will do better.  When I am home, I will shoulder anything child-related, anything that involves cleaning & cooking.  Because she does that when I'm not home.  & you know what's crazier?  She doesn't get compensated in ANY way!!  Well that's about to change.  My bills are NOT more important than her knowing I value & appreciate everything she puts into our home & everything she does for me....whether she does it to my standards or not.

Elize deserves so much more than I have given her.  So it's time to make amends for that.  She makes her mistakes but what other 14 year old do YOU know who commandeers the home & children & baths & bedtime & cleaning & cooking 5 nights/week because mom has to work?  Not many I'd bet.  & not as well as she does either.  I think Elize has worked hard enough & it's now time to give her her dues.

This is my public promise to begin paying her for her childcare time.  To reward her for a job well done in & outside of school.  To trust her more with her own decisions since she's capable of making mommy decisions.  This is me begging to be held accountable to SHOW her how much she means to me & that I truly think she is the most wonderful girl in the world & that I am so sorry for neglecting her needs for the good of the family.  Because how good can the family be if one person is broken?

I never meant for my kids to have a hard life & it's better now than it has been in the past.  There are some things that will take time to figure out but until then, Elize deserves to know she is valued, loved, respected & that I SEE everything she does.

It's time to fix what I have broken & make right where I have wronged.  I once was blind, but now I see.  It's time to take as much burden off of her as possible so she can be the Elize we all once knew, instead of this angry teenager.  If I had to do what she does, with no compensation or just a thank you here & there, I'd probably be angry too.

Debbie Downers

I fully believe we all the right to a negative comment or 2 every once in a while.  Or even a day here & there where we just can't seem to pick ourselves up & out of a Negative Nelly mindset.  But there are some people around me who never have anything nice to say.  & it is so hard not to tell them to kindly keep their trap shut.

They complain about everything from top to bottom, they discourage other people from being positive & they usually think they're sick all the time.  I don't think they're sick though, I think they are poisoning themselves from the inside out.

I KNOW I have those days.  But I do try to limit it. Sometimes when I catch myself falling into the "poor-pitiful-me-my-life-sucks" trap, I literally stop everything I am doing, look up to the sky & pray.  I pray for God to help me get a handle on my emotions, I pray for peace with the situation that is upsetting me so much, I pray to remember why I actually am blessed & not cursed.  & then I THANK Him for the opportunity to grow & learn through this stressful situation.  Sometimes it's really hard to do that, but I do it anyways.  Because I AM thankful.

So if you are apt to beat up on yourself, your day, your situation & the people around you, I encourage you to remember what I tell myself, negative thought by each negative thought:

1.  "I make no money at my job."  Thank GOD I am able-bodied enough to even work & I do not have    to rely on others to provide for me & mine.  We may not have much but at least we have what we need.  Thank you Jesus!!

2.  "I am fat & gross."  I may not be where I want to be but how lucky am I that the only obstacle is ME??  There is not a mountain in my way between the fat me & the fit, healthy me.  & even if there was, I have been taught that only a mustard seed of faith can move that mountain.  I have no disability that keeps me from being the best me (physically speaking) & I am beyond grateful for that every single day.  Even the days I suck.

3.  "I am a terrible mom."  I hear negative things all the time lately about single moms for some reason.  My favorite?  We get too much respect & have been put on a pedestal.  Really?  & yes, that came from someone that is not a single mom & is barely a mom yet considering she's still pregnant with her first child.  I am not a terrible mom.  My kids are clean, fed, housed & relatively happy.  I say relatively simply because I have to say no to them, I have to discipline & I have to have boundaries.  & they don't like that, but that's ok because they'll respect it & thank me for it later (I hope).  I'm a great mom, not perfect, but definitely great because I do what I need to do to make sure they are taken care of, I want the best for them & because I love them so much that I sacrifice me for them on a pretty consistent basis.  I am not supermom, I fall sometimes, I fail others & I knock it out of them park other days.  I am doing my best & taking it day by day.  I am not terrible or failing them...& neither are you.

I could go on of course but these are my 3 biggest negative things.  I'm working on them.

Above all of these is the faith that God has it all worked out.  I need to trust Him & His timing.  Sometimes that's easy, sometimes it seems impossible, but if I know anything, I know that my God is awesome & He won't fail me, even if I fail him in my obedience.  How amazing is that?

Ta-ta for now :)

Really?

This pic (on the bottom, mobile doesn't let me pick where the image is :/ ) was on my fb feed today. I completely disagree. People always wonder why society is the way it is. It's because of stupid crap like this being circulated & worse, ACCEPTED as truth.

Do people really think they shouldn't ever be required to explain themselves? Because that, to me, is single-minded & selfish thinking. If I do something you consider very out of my character (we're going with something negative), wouldn't you like an explanation as to why I did it? Or would you rather go ahead & condemn or punish? What about you? Maybe you're extremely stressed, over-worked & haven't had enough sleep for weeks. This might make you snap & be ugly to me with little provocation. Wouldn't you WANT me to ask why? What's wrong? Listen to you explain your circumstances so I can understand? Or should I just be angry & not talk to you?

It kills me that people care SO LITTLE about other people, special circumstances & experiences, about their feelings & think they should never have to ever explain their actions or words.

I am so tired of the selfishness in our world. The definition of real love is caring more about another persons happiness than your own. Even if it makes you uncomfortable. If its not dangerous, illegal or immoral...then why not go along with it? Even if it's JUST to make them happy.

Surprisingly, when I was watching an episode of "Ice Loves Coco", Ice-T hit the nail right on the head. Coco wanted to take their dog to find a gf so he could get married. Ice thought it was stupid, didn't understand it at all & disagreed with doing it. But not only did he allow it, he PARTICIPATED, without complaint, because it made Coco happy. When he explained it he said, "hey, if it makes her happy & causes no harm to our marriage, why wouldn't I?"

Anybody else surprised? This is the man who got in trouble for his song (album?) called 'F*** the Police'. This used-to-be gangsta rapper got it right without even trying. He didn't need to make her bend to his will. THAT'S LOVE.

Why is the divorce rate so high? Not only because we choose to leave God out of it, but because many times we forget there's another person too!! We are so wrapped up with 'I'. "I feel..., I want..., I need..., I am comfortable with..., I don't want..., I say..., what about me?" mentality.

Well what about your spouse, your kids, your extended family & your friends? What about putting them BEFORE you? If EVERYBODY did that then everybody would feel loved, wanted, needed, important, valued, respected & happy. Because while you're putting your wife's needs ahead of your own, she's doing the same & nobody's needs aren't being met.

So everybody....stop loving yourself so much that there's no room to love anybody else. Challenge yourself to put their needs first for 2 weeks without complaint or telling them you are. If they love you then I GUARANTEE they'll start doing the same & you'll be happier. If they don't then maybe, just maybe...they're not the one.

To My Daughter

To my Elize love-


You mean the world to me.  It's killing me to see you having such a rough time this year.  I know you're gonna emerge from this stronger & better than ever though.  I have had the privilege of raising you for 12 years & I know the beautiful heart & soul you truly have.  Right now it's covered with hurt, anger, confusion & uncertainty about who you are.  But I know it's there still. 


You have always been my "golden child".  I know that's not politically correct to say, but you have been.  I have never seen a child SO loved by peers, adults, authority figures, younger kids & even pets SO much.  But that was you.  I couldn't take you anywhere without hearing ppl say they wanted to keep you & how wonderful you are & how respectful you were for your age.  Man, you made this mama burst with pride every day!! 


You are so beautiful to me & if I have ever made you feel any less than what I think of you, I'm sorry.  Because you are amazing to me.  There is nobody as close to my heart as you are.  I had you so young that I feel like we almost grew up together!  You've always been my road dog, my mini-me, my sidekick, my everything.  For years it was me & you against the world.  So I know it's hard to adjust to now having a pretty big family.  Going from 1 sibling looking up to you, to 3 of them.  That's a lot of pressure.  I understand that.  I also think you're up for that challenge & that you're gonna do great at it.


This rough patch with us will smooth out.  Because I'm willing to do whatever I need to do, to get things right.  To get you happy again.  To get you to love yourself again & realize your self worth.  I love you with all my heart & we WILL get through this.  I won't just let you slip away because I'm busy with the rest of life.  I promise you that.  You are a priority to me.  You always have been & always will be.  I may not always use the best approach or know the right words, but it isn't because I don't love you or I don't want to try.  It's just because I'm human.


I love you babygirl.  I hope that you get what you need while you visit your dad & when you come back, we can start refreshed & at a new place.  Your family supports you, even in times of bad behavior. I promise this.  Family first ya know?  We may have a big one, but that's just more love.  


It's hard being a teenager.  It's hard having a blended family.  It's hard having to scoot over to make room for Carmichael with me.  I get it.  & I'm gonna help make it easier for you.


I love you.


Love, Mom

"Keepin It Real"

I hate this statement. I really think lanes should stop using it. Cause are you keeping it real? Really?!?? I doubt it.

I always get accused of being fake. Which is funny to me. I think it's immature to expect me to be at 29 what I was at 15 or 20 or even 25. Life changes you, your perceptions & sometimes your values & beliefs.

But I mainly get called fake because I know how to act. That's right. I act!!! Ha. [ is that what you need to confirm I'm fake? ] So yes, I act. Out of respect, out of appropriateness, out of courtesy, out of many things!

I firmly believe that you don't need to "be who you are" 100% of the time. Haven't we all been around "those people"? The ones who are loud & obnoxious in a movie theatre? The ones who publicly humiliate their willful child in the store? The ones who show boobs & booty at a church function?

They're staying true to "who they are" & are looking like fools for doing it. Not to mention immature, disrespectful, rude, like they were raised by wolves & ignorant. Yup. IGNORANT.

If I'm at the club I'll have a cpl drinks, shake my booty & wear clothes that show my figure. [ notice I don't say skin ] At my grandmas I will not do these things. It's inappropriate for the situation & the ppl that surround me. Y'all following me?

I know ppl who think they ALWAYS have to state their opinions in an ugly manner. They make constant personal attacks, use language that makes you cringe & generally act a fool. It's sad to witness. & embarrassing. If only they knew what ppl were saying of them??

But wait...they "don't care what anybody thinks"! These kind of ppl are trouble. Yes, I CARE. It doesn't make me fake or a bad person. I don't care about everybody's opinion of me, but certain ones matter. Such as my church family, anybody that has any kind of relationship with my children & anybody who is an actual part of my life. Yep. I care a lot actually.

Why?

Because I enjoy ppl looking at me & seeing a good person, a good mama, a good girlfriend, etc, etc. So yes I believe it's important to act accordingly to the situation. Not because I'm fake [ my fave word! ] but because I am a grown-up.

Also, if I have "dirty laundry" that I choose not to air, that isn't being fake. It's called, there-are-some-things-only-certain-people-need-to-know. If you're not in the know then it's just not your business. Or maybe I just haven't told you yet. Who knows really.

But I will say this...I am going to have to resort to their slogan when they try to call me names & bring me down. Hey...I don't care what you think. ;) let me live my life as I do you. You be "real" & I'll be "fake" & we'll keep our little worlds separate so everybody can stay happy.

Why do I bother writing this you might ask. Cause it was on my mind. How ppl throw that around CONSTANTLY. How ppl forget their skeletons in their closet when the try to pull out someone else's. How ppl conveniently are the "realest" but who have things buried from ppl they claim to love the most.

Look inward before you spew your venom outward. Think peacefully. Speak with thought. Act with love.

That's all :)

Touchy Subject....

I might end up regretting writing my thoughts on this but I need to get them out.

A few things to clear up first.
#1:  I COMPLETELY understand where they're coming from.
#2:  I'm not even close to being mad/upset/angry or anything like that.
#3:  I am not intending to cause anything negative by this.

So I digress...

Our church leaders have decided that my bf can no longer be a youth leader because we live together.  If we are not married or at least engaged by March, he can't be part of Aviator Students anymore.

I totally get the why's of it.  It's not a good example for the middle/high school kids.  It's not living what is preached.  All of it I understand.

What is troubling to me is the way they all keep saying we should live apart until we marry, like that's an easy thing to do.  If it was, we would already.  We lived together before we became part of this church so it wasn't something that happened after we learned we shouldn't.  But we have FOUR kids we're raising in our home.  Yes, we want to be a good example for them, but he just hasn't proposed.  & as much as I want him to, I also don't want him to be forced into doing it.  I feel that will only hurt us.  I'm willing to wait for him.

But not only is the reality a difficult one with just having kids in it but his son is a tricky one.  Nobody has custody.  When all that happens, it will work against Carmichael for us to be apart.  Also, we don't want TreaVon to be bounced around if he moves out.  But if he stays here we run the risk of him telling his mom that his dad doesn't live here anymore & we'll be screwed by that.  Which I understand.  If it happened with my kid like that I'd be LIVID that my child now lived with her dad's gf & kids, but not him, in a diff state, while trynig to get custody.  Better believe that would come up in court.  & even though it's a good reason, who knows how the judge will feel about that?  Could really go either way.

I'm scared that not only will this push Carmichael further away from proposing but it will end up pushing him away from God since he won't have an active role in the church anymore.  I worry about the negative consequences this could lead to for our future.

Once again.  I KNOW why they are doing this.  I agree it's something that needs to be done so that our youth are given the right messages.  It just worries me that it's going to have the opposite results as they are intending.

That being said, I REALLY want to marry this man.  I have no doubt that he is my soul mate.  He is my best friend, he is the only man for me & I even hope in 5 yrs that we get to have another baby together.  I love him with everything I have & I don't plan on ever giving up on our relationship.  It has been a rollercoaster 1 yr & 7 months.  We have fought tooth & nail to get to where we are.  & we are happy where we are now.

Carmichael is the only man I have shown 100% of me.  The good, the bad, the ugly & the ugly that you don't show anybody....he's seen.  He knows my deep, dark secrets & still loves me.  He knows my flaws & accepts them.  He is a hands on dad that has NEVER disrespected me by saying no when I ask for help with a kid.  He probably changes more diapers than I do!  Lol.  He is the one that plays board games, takes them to the park & sits outside when they ride bikes.  He sends me encouraging texts before a test & high-fives me when I am dorkily excited about finally getting an algebra formula.

He doesn't have wandering eyes & I don't have to worry about infidelity.  I love his giant hands, his tiny ears & his ugly feet.  I love his loyalty to his family & that he's close to his mama.  I love that he feels deeply.  I love that he is aggressive enough to be able to physically protect our family if need be.  I love his passion for music & I'm amazed by his talent.  I love that he wants more out of life, but he's learned how to be happy with what he has until the day comes when he can use his talents to get more.

I love & accept all of him infinitely.

So, while part of me hopes that this prompts him to propose...the other part doesn't.  Because I want him to propose because he finally figured out he can't be without me, not because he was pressured to with negative consequences if he didn't.  I want it to be a willful, joyful thing, not a stressed, forced thing.

I know God knows what He's doing in this, I just pray I have the patience & strength to trust it all!!