My Dirty Secret...

I am going to confess something to you today.  At first you might be tempted to try to say, "No you're not!!" Or you might think I need my spirits lifted or that it's just a bad day.  But it's not.

I....am a terrible mother.

I have failed Elize the most & in so many ways.  & I continue to do so on a daily basis.  She is falling apart & it's because of me.  My life as a single mom has made me rely on her in so many ways that how could I expect her not to crack under the pressure when I am myself?

I am lazy, selfish & haven't put her first.  I like to tell myself I am & that there is no way for me to change it, but there HAS to be.  I just haven't put in the work necessary.  I suck.  & because of me, she kinda sucks sometimes too.

I am here to tell you that she is SO important to me.  Nothing breaks my heart more than to see her struggling with her identity.  But how much harder is it to find that when you play mom 5 nights a week because the real mom has to work?  & you still shoulder a lot when the real mom is home because she's so preoccupied & stressed out with everything else that's going on?

What a failure I have been & I didn't even notice it until last night I wondered what I was going to do when Elize had basketball games & practices & I had nobody to watch Kingston & Ashyra.  WHY is this my life? This is not something a 14 year old should have on her shoulders.

So from now on, I will do better.  When I am home, I will shoulder anything child-related, anything that involves cleaning & cooking.  Because she does that when I'm not home.  & you know what's crazier?  She doesn't get compensated in ANY way!!  Well that's about to change.  My bills are NOT more important than her knowing I value & appreciate everything she puts into our home & everything she does for me....whether she does it to my standards or not.

Elize deserves so much more than I have given her.  So it's time to make amends for that.  She makes her mistakes but what other 14 year old do YOU know who commandeers the home & children & baths & bedtime & cleaning & cooking 5 nights/week because mom has to work?  Not many I'd bet.  & not as well as she does either.  I think Elize has worked hard enough & it's now time to give her her dues.

This is my public promise to begin paying her for her childcare time.  To reward her for a job well done in & outside of school.  To trust her more with her own decisions since she's capable of making mommy decisions.  This is me begging to be held accountable to SHOW her how much she means to me & that I truly think she is the most wonderful girl in the world & that I am so sorry for neglecting her needs for the good of the family.  Because how good can the family be if one person is broken?

I never meant for my kids to have a hard life & it's better now than it has been in the past.  There are some things that will take time to figure out but until then, Elize deserves to know she is valued, loved, respected & that I SEE everything she does.

It's time to fix what I have broken & make right where I have wronged.  I once was blind, but now I see.  It's time to take as much burden off of her as possible so she can be the Elize we all once knew, instead of this angry teenager.  If I had to do what she does, with no compensation or just a thank you here & there, I'd probably be angry too.